Relief - The Unexpected Emotion.

In the days following Carrie’s passing, I remember experiencing the flood of emotions that you would expect from such a monumental loss.  Disbelief, confusion, anger, numbness (which is actually a temporary blessing that allowed me to process), intense heartache, gratitude (for many wonderful family and friends), and happiness for Carrie (I’m supposed to say that because I’m a Pastor, right?)  Yes, I am happy for her that her pain is gone, and she is enjoying the presence of the Lord – still, I’m left to process the other emotions as they ebb and flow.

But there is one emotion that I did not expect which has proved to be a blessing – RELIEF.  

In a previous post I shared my experience with anxiety, brought on my many months of living on “high alert” because of Carrie’s condition – always anticipating the next round of bad news, the next trip to the ER, or listening for any pain or discomfort she was experiencing in the night.  In addition, I spent weeks at hospitals and rehab centers to be by her side.  All total about 34 days in the hospital and another 30 days in rehab in her final months.  

The day Carrie passed is when I first felt the unexpected emotion of relief washing over me.  I remember thinking, “She is not in pain anymore.”  “She no longer has to be constantly poked and prodded.”  “I don’t have to spend days at the hospital any longer.”  “I won’t be woken up tonight with a cry of pain.”  “She knows what Jesus looks like!”  I felt, in that moment, relief. Relief for her.  Relief for me.

Relief is not something to be guilty about.  I am not relieved she is gone, quite the opposite.  But I am relieved her pain is gone and that a turbulent 2 ½ year season has come to a close.  

For many months we earnestly prayed for the Lord to grant her healing and restoration in this life, but He chose another way.  So, the relief I experience today is this: He knows best, He can still be trusted, and one day soon it will all make sense.

Romans 8:18 NKJV For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

I’d like to hear from you…What has been your experience with relief at the passing of a loved one?  Has there been another feeling or emotion that surprised you and why?

Philip Hickman has been the Lead Pastor of Legacy Baptist Church in Fort Worth, TX since August 2010.  He and his wife, Carrie enjoyed a wonderful marriage before she went to be with the Lord just 6 days before their 25th anniversary.  Together, Philip and Carrie have 2 adults children also serving in ministry – a son, John and his wife, Hannah, serving at Generations Church in Keller, TX, and daughter Abby, a college student and ministry leader at Legacy.