Regrets of the Final Weeks.

Some say it’s a step in the grief process, others say it’s just a nagging feeling, but whatever it is, regret certainly sets up camp, for a while, in the life of someone who is grieving.  It manifests itself in the well-worn, yet unanswerable, questions which begin with phrases like, “If I had only…” or “What if we would have…”.  The truth is, when you are grieving a life-shattering loss you cannot help but waste time contemplating these unanswerable questions.  It is as if to say, “If I can get answers to these questions, then I can maintain some control over my life and move through the grief process faster.”

Of course, you never get answers that satisfy and, ultimately only the Lord is in control of our lives.  But, looking back, Iwonder if He didn’t allow me to continue on this merry-go-round of questioning to keep my mind busy while a new reality settled in?  Perhaps.

After Carrie passed and the dust began to settle, my feelings of regret were not so much about medications or procedures we could have tried; instead, my regret began to focus on what I wish I had done differently in her final weeks.  

Here are some of the regrets I have wrestled with:

I regret that I did not sleep next to her more often.  As I mentioned in a previous post, my anxiety was so high, it was hard to get deep sleep because every movement or sound sent my heart racing.  So, I slept on the couch a lot – close enough to hear important things, far enough away not to hear everything.  In recent years, we developed a habit of falling asleep while holding hands.  I wish I had taken that precious opportunity just a few more times.

I regret that much of our time together was “doing”, rather than “being”.  Because I was convinced Carrie was going to get better, I thought we needed to be busy doing something to help.  Eat this, drink that, try this supplement, let’s work on this exercise, let’s listen to this newest podcast for more ideas on what else we can do – so much “doing” with no return.  Instead, I wish I had focused more on “being” – just being there with her and for her.  Prior to her illness, we could be perfectly content just being together, without doing anything.  Looking back, I wish I had just sat next to her and held her hand or laid next to her and stroked her hair – just being.  

I regret that we did not talk about the future without her.  I refused to think about it, and she never mentioned it, so we never discussed it.  I believe the Lord gives His children “dying grace”.  So, I wonder when she knew that she was leaving us to go be with Him.  I regret that I didn’t face the situation honestly and ask about her wishes for me and the kids once she was gone.  Carrie lived with such wisdom and grace, so knowing her hope for us would have been a tremendous blessing in navigating the months that followed.

Finally, and this is almost too personal to write, but I regret that I did not hang on to our final kiss just a little bit longer.  Casting Crowns wrote a song with the opening line saying, “If I’d only known the last time would be the last time…”  While Carrie was on hospice, I would kiss her every night before going to bed but with no apparent response.  The night before she passed, I leaned over to kiss her and, this time, I got a faint kiss back.  I went to bed encouraged and exhilarated – thinking this was progress.  I did not know that would be the last time – but I think she did.  If I had known, you can bet I would have lingered longer.

So, as wise Solomon said, here is the conclusion of the matter:life is already full of regrets – careless things we say and do; opportunities we missed, or things we wish we could go back and change.  But, because we never know when “the last time will be the last time”, let’s try to make the most of the moments we have…especially with the ones we love.