Where Do I Go From Here?
On April 4, 2000, I was at my parents' house waiting for Carrie to pick me up because we had a pre-marital counseling session. A few minutes before she was supposed to have arrived the phone rang and her number was on caller ID. I answered, “Running late, huh?” The voice said, “There’s been an accident and I was told to call this number.” That was a call that can stop your heart!
Carrie was driving on the service road of I-35 just a couple of miles from me. A white van intentionally cut across the grassy median to get from the freeway to the service road, cutting off Carrie in the process. When she swerved to avoid a collision, her Explorer turned on the driver’s side and slid 30 yards or so down the road. The van never even slowed down. The result of the crash was a deep gash torn into Carrie’s left forearm and her knuckles were badly scrapped, both from being drug across the road. Her engagement ring, which she only had about 2 ½ weeks was mangled as well. She spent several days in the hospital having to undergo surgeries to clean glass and gravel from the wound before adding several skin grafts. When all was said and done, Carrie ended up with a scar about the size of a medium potato that she would carry with her for the next 25 years.
In the early days, she would tell me the scar was physically painful; but that subsided with time. Mostly it was emotionally painful because she was embarrassed by it, thinking it was so ugly to look at. And initially she was asked about it so much, especially by kids, and that would affect her all over again. Yet, as the years passed, the scar faded and it seldom came up as she learned to live with it and life moved on.
When I think about my grief and where I go from here, I am reminded of Carrie’s scar. Through the tragedy of losing her to disease, I will carry a sizeable scar for the rest of my life. This scar was very painful in the beginning, but it has slowly decreased over time. This scar can also be embarrassing because grief and pain have a way of exposing weakness and vulnerability – and no one wants to be seen that way; it’s why we go to great lengths to put on a “brave face” for much of our lives. And I suspect this scar will also bring out deep emotions when I’m asked about it by kids – namely, our yet-to-be-born grandkids, who will one day ask me about their “CeCe” (her pick for a grandma name).
But I know, with time, the physical and emotional pain will continue to subside, and life will move into new seasons the Lord has yet to reveal; after all, He is the God of new beginnings.
One final illustration – I remember when Carrie was pregnant with our oldest, John, and we bought a maternity calendar (no apps back then, remember?). This was a 40-week calendar showing a baby’s development until birth. We looked at that calendar every day and our excitement grew as we neared the last page of that calendar where it said, “Welcome to new life and new beginnings”. As of this writing, Carrie has been with the Lord a little over 40 weeks and, as I close this blog, it’s like I hear Him gently whisper, “Welcome to new life and new beginnings”.
This concludes my blog, Through the Lens of Loss. I want to say THANK YOU to all of you who have followed me on this journey the last 6 months. I trust that all 3 purposes for which I started this blog have been accomplished: to help me work through grief, to share the journey with my Legacy family, and to help others navigate their own season of sorrow.
Would you do one thing for me? Will you please leave a comment below if this blog has helped you, encouraged you, or even served as a guide for you to help someone else? Is there a particular article or thought that you found especially helpful?
I would greatly appreciate the feedback.
And though this chapter is closing, I am still here to help. Going forward, if you have any further questions, comments, or need additional resources, you can email me at pastor@mylegacy.family
I’ll leave you with this prayer, “May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.”
Sincerely,
Pastor Philip
Thank you for writing these. My husband passed on Valentines day from pancreatic cancer. My friend Karrie sent me the link to read weekly. They help me as I am still navigating widowhood.
Pastor,
thank you so much for writing this blog my heart has ached for you so much.
I pray for you every day and I want you to know I have passed this on to 2 of my friends that have lost their spouses in the last 4 months.
There will never be anything I can say that will ease your pain I just want you to know you will always be in my prayers.
Pastor, thank you for sharing your inner thoughts and emotions. I've been struggling with the loss of my husband 12 years ago, but reading your blogs have helped me overcome my worst sorrows and emotions.
I am the youngest of a family of 10 siblings. Only one sister and myself are left. Very dysfunction family. Two brothers died from alcohol abuse another killed himself. Two died from dementia and Parkinson's. One sister died of alcohol and drug abuse, another died from alcohol abuse and Parkinson's. My father died when I was 20 and my mother when I was 34. I have seen it all with them not believing in our Lord. Your blog Pastor Philip has really helped me to let go and let God handle it all. Thank you so much for sharing.
I appreciate your intentional raw post sharing your journey. Carrie still making an impact on the world from the other side of Heaven is no surprise. She was an amazingly lady and I can’t wait to see her again! Thank you Pastor Philip!