When Does Grief Begin?

Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted.

Until I started my own journey through it, I always assumed that grief began the day a loved one died.  After all, even for those of us who believe in the resurrection and reunion with Christ, there is something that seems so final about the day your loved one takes their last breath.

I’ve learned a lot over the past few years – life lessons that I hope are bringing glory to the Lord.  One important lesson I’ve learned is that my grief did not start on September 10, 2025, the day my sweet wife, Carrie, breathed her last and stood in the presence of her Savior. My grief, our  grief, actually began on March 8, 2023, when the doctor walked in and uttered the word “tumor”.

Exactly 30 days before, our son John had moved out leaving us, for a time, as empty nesters.  We were so excited about this new season of life and all we had planned.

25 days before, Carrie emailed me a list of 20 things she loved about our life together.  Last on her list were these words, “I love that the best is yet to come!”  Those words haunt me now as I look back on that time, remembering how excited we were, and never imagining how quickly and permanently our lives were about to change.

Even after hearing the word “tumor” I was optimistic.  After all, people have surgeries all the time to remove tumors and then get back to their lives – or so I thought.

The day our world was turned upside down and grief set up residence in our home was 3 days later on March 11, 2023, when Carrie got emailed CT results with the words, “metastatic cancer, stage 4”.  This is the moment the bottom fell out of our lives.

Proverbs 27:1 says, “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.”  Carrie and I found out, with cold reality, that you can wake up one morning on the mountaintop of life and, before you go to sleep that night (if you can sleep) you are plunged into the deepest, darkest valley.

So, when did my grief begin?  On March 11, 2023 – exactly 23 years, to the day, that I asked Carrie to be my wife.

Her and I would continue in the ebb and flow of grief every day for the next 2 ½ years as her terrible disease cast a looming shadow over everything in our lives. 

She has now been gone for 3 ½ months and I miss her so much.  But my grief is much older than just a few months.  In fact, another important lesson I learned is this – losing a spouse after a long illness does not begin the grief process, it actually initiates the healing process.

Philip Hickman has been the Lead Pastor of Legacy Baptist Church in Fort Worth, TX since August 2010.  He and his wife, Carrie enjoyed a wonderful marriage before she went to be with the Lord just 6 days before their 25th anniversary.  Together, Philip and Carrie have 2 adults children also serving in ministry – a son, John and his wife, Hannah, serving at Generations Church in Keller, TX, and daughter Abby, a college student and ministry leader at Legacy.