Is He Grieving "Right"?

This is probably the main question, which I heard through the grapevine, that prompted me to begin this blog.  “Is he grieving right?”  At first, I didn’t know what to make of the question.  What is the “right” way to grieve anyway?  What does that look like?  And how do I know if I’m doing it wrong?

Over the months I’ve read numerous books and devotionals on grief, and, with slight variations, they say pretty much the same thing.  Of course, they all include some version of the 5 phases of grief: shock, guilt, anger, bargaining, and, finally, acceptance.  Each book was quick to point out that these phases are not neat and tidy through which to move, nor are you guaranteed never having to go back to a phase once you have successfully completed it.  I can attest from experience that all of this is true.  The phases often overlap and, at any given time, you can be thrust back into a phase you thought you had already mastered.  The bottom line is that “grief is a rollercoaster”!  Ups, downs, twists, and turns at any given moment – even some moments that make you sick to your stomach.

I did come to learn, however, what was meant by the question, “Is he grieving right”?  You see, when I am at church, and especially if I am preaching, I may not appear to be grieving.  I seldom talk about my grief from the platform (though I suspect the Lord will have me do that someday).  And because of the gracious work of the Holy Spirit, my personal struggles are put aside in order to fulfill my calling and hopefully be a blessing to other people.  I am often seen laughing, talking, singing, fellowshipping, and praying.  So, it is a reasonable conclusion for someone seeing me from a distance that perhaps I am ignoring, suppressing, or even over my grief.  I assure you, this is not the case.  It is always with me – though sometimes graciously suppressed so I can do what I love to do.

I’ve mulled over that question so much that a few weeks ago I had, what I believe, to be some divine inspiration on navigating this season.  The Lord helped me craft 4 solid goals to ensure I“grieve right” – pleasing Him and honoring the wonderful life He allowed me and Carrie to enjoy for so many years.

Here are the 4 goals of my grief:

1. Grieve just long enough and deep enough to honor Carrie and the love we shared.  Then, move forward because she would not want me in perpetual grief.

2. Grieve in a way that serves as a sincere example to my kids and church family – sad and perplexed, yet always hopeful and faithful.

3. Grieve with God’s goodness always before me – He is not done, and there are many good things yet to come!

4. Grieve in preparation for the day when my experience can help others navigate their own season of heartbreak.

So, am I grieving right?  I think so!  It’s one step at a time.  One day at a time.  And the Lord is helping, along with the love and support of my amazing kids, who are my greatest gifts from Him.

Are there any lessons you’ve learned from grief?  I’d love to hear about them below. 

Philip Hickman has been the Lead Pastor of Legacy Baptist Church in Fort Worth, TX since August 2010.  He and his wife, Carrie enjoyed a wonderful marriage before she went to be with the Lord just 6 days before their 25th anniversary.  Together, Philip and Carrie have 2 adults children also serving in ministry – a son, John and his wife, Hannah, serving at Generations Church in Keller, TX, and daughter Abby, a college student and ministry leader at Legacy.