Honoring a legacy without living in a shadow.

My Nanny was barely 49 years old when she became a widow and we just celebrated her 96^th birthday two months ago.  She never remarried and, to my knowledge, never went on a single date.  I’m sure there were men who were interested and I know she had friends trying to set her up, but in all those years, she never went – not once.  So, many years ago I finally asked her “Why?” 

“Did you ever think about remarriage?  Why not at least go on a date and see if something was there?”  I still remember her answer.  She said, “Well, I figured I would never find someone as good as your Papa and I didn’t think it would be fair to compare them to him.”  To this day I believe her reasoning was a great testament to the love they shared, but I also know it came at a high personal cost to her.  And she has carried it for the rest of her life.

Another extreme I know of is a man, with two small children, who remarried about 3 years after he was widowed.  With his new wife in the picture, virtually all the evidence of his first wife was wiped away.  His new wife would not stand for it and he would not stand up against it, so his kids grew up never hearing about their mom.

Both situations got me to thinking, “How can you honor a legacy (what was) without living in the shadow of that legacy?"  If the Lord has a plan for me to remarry someday, this is a real consideration for that marriage. 

In my opinion, Carrie casts a long shadow because she was such a great wife and mom.  Yet I know that is a closed door to an old life.  So, when the Lord brings a new beginning, I don’t want to be fearful of reminiscing about the past and the wonderful person she was.  However, I also don’t want my new relationship to feel that she must measure up to the memory of Carrie.  Each person is different; each relationship is different – and that is ok.  I believe it is a balance of the past, present, and future in what the Lord is doing. 

Of course, I realize that at my age I will also be the object of comparison to a former spouse.  At present, I don’t feel intimidated by this prospect.  I understand it’s just part of the process in the beginning and I trust the Lord to work all that out. 

The bottom line is that I believe there is a healthy way to honor the past while embracing the future.  It is important to me to keep her memory alive for our family, and for her future grandkids.  But perhaps there’s also some “bonus” family the Lord will add to us someday and I know it will be wonderful as well – because it all points to Him, the Maker of all things new.

What is your experience?  How have you continued to honor loved ones who have passed even in a new relationship?  What worked? What didn’t?  What advice do you have?