The Third Wheel.

In my college days it seemed like me and my buddies never had girlfriends at the same time.  Or, more specifically what comes to mind are the times when I did not have a girlfriend.  On more than one occasion, there was me, a buddy, and his girlfriend hanging out.  I was the third wheel.  I wanted to go away; they wanted me to go away. 😊  Truth is, they were gracious and we had a good time.  But being a third wheel is weird.  It’s great if you’re a tricycle, not so great if you’re a single college student!  You can feel like an intrusion, or you can feel pitied (which I talked about previously), so most of the time you just opt to stay home alone.  So, third wheel or home alone on a Friday night in college?  Neither are good options. 😊

Over the years the Lord blessed Carrie and I with many great friends and some who are our best friends.  With the swirl of thoughts that went through my mind when she passed, this one took a couple of weeks to come up.  But one night I thought, “What will this mean for all our friendships and the people we hung out with?  Will they still be my friends?  (Sadly, I’ve talked to several who have lost spouses and had friends walk away as well.)  Will I still be asked to do things?  Would I even want to go because now I’m the dreaded third wheel again?”

Then, when I hang out with my son and his wife, and my daughter and her boyfriend, I get to be the 5^th wheel!  Now a 5^th wheel is great if you’re a travel trailer, not so great as a middle-aged dad and Pastor. 😊 You get the idea….

Seriously though, these are questions I wrestled with.  And almost immediately my dear friends reached out for meals, game nights, after church lunches, and more.  And I decided to go!  Every time there is an invite, I go (unless I have a genuine schedule conflict).  

One thing I did find surprising is that I still felt awkward the first few times I hung out with a group of married guys, as if I am now the odd-man-out.  It’s nothing anyone said or did – just me adjusting.  

Here’s the bottom line – I’ve come to learn that being comfortable as a third or fifth wheel is just another layer of the grieving and healing process.  I can choose to avoid, or I can choose to embrace.  Knowing the Lord has led me to this, I am choosing to embrace!  And, because my family and friends are so wonderful, I have never felt like an intrusion or an obligatory invite.

And I’m sure my kids will tell you, there’s not a more fun 5^th wheel than me! 😊    

How about you?  Do you invite your widowed family or friends out for a meal or something fun?  If you are a widow or widower, do you go or choose to stay home?  What advice do you have for others regarding a third wheel?