The Question Everyone Hates to Ask.

It happens to all of us.  We’re curious about something in a friend’s life and want to ask them about it, but we don’t know how or when to ask.  Maybe we throw out some feeler questions to see if we can get them to bring it up.  And, if they take the bait, then we follow up with, “Well, I was curious but hated to ask”.   

I’ve had this experience with people in my own life.  A big question on their minds and not sure when, or even if, to bring it up.  The big question??  

Do you think you will ever remarry?

Recently I’ve been in conversations and, without really thinking about it, I would say something about remarriage.  In each instance there was like a sense of relief that the subject was finally mentioned.  This was followed by that line…“Well, I was curious but hated to ask”.   And I get it.  

Several have told me, “I didn’t know how soon was too soon to ask.”  Another said, “I was afraid it would hurt you more.”  But, as the months continue to pass since I lost Carrie, it is a natural question and one that I have already been considering.

So now that I’ve brought it up, here are a few thoughts I’ve had on dating and remarriage:

1. It ALL starts with the Lord.  It is He who puts the desire for remarriage in one person’s heart while giving another, what the Bible calls, the “gift of singleness”.  I have talked with several widowed friends lately that are perfectly content with this “gift”.  Even my Nanny, who lost my Papa when she was 49 years old, has been a widow for 47 years as of this month.  That’s a long time!  Then others know, by the Lord’s prompting, that a new relationship awaits them someday.

2. Dating and marriage seemed so much simpler the first time around.  I look back now and laugh at what little thought I put into dating and proposing to Carrie.  Don’t get me wrong, I thought about her all the time, but the sum of my thinking was, “She is beautiful and smart and (for reasons I don’t understand) she is interested in me, so let’s get married.” 😊 And from that simple beginning, the Lord gave us a beautiful life.  But this time around, I am putting a lot more thought into the future, especially because of my family and my role in ministry – both of which are the largest parts of my life.

3. One shocking surprise I’ve learned from other widows and widowers is the resentment they faced once they decided to start dating.  Several told me they lost close friends who felt that anywhere from 6 months to several years was “too soon” for them to start dating again.  I found this interesting and sad at the same time.  I can agree that a new relationship within months could be “too soon” if it’s a means of circumventing the grief process; but aside from that, who’s to say?  Especially if the criticism is from someone who has not experienced this level of loss.      

So, what does this mean for me?

I believe the Lord has confirmed that I will date again when my heart is ready.  For now, I am still healing from the loss and navigating through the “firsts” – and that is ok.  I’ve learned that waiting time is not wasted time with the Lord.  So, when the time is right, the Lord will reveal His next steps for my future, and I already know it will be far better than I can imagine.

I would love to hear your thoughts!  How soon is too soon to start dating again?  What other considerations should be part of this decision?