All the "Firsts".

One of the biggest challenges you face when you lose someone you love is navigating all the “firsts” without them – birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas…all the important days that used to bring so much joy.

I had the fortune/misfortune of facing my very first “first” just 6 days after Carrie passed – our 25^th wedding anniversary.  It was beautiful outside and I had already planned to visit several special places, like the church where we got married.  It was a day of quiet reflection on an amazing woman.  And I am so thankful I had the company of another amazing woman to share the day with me – our precious daughter, who is the spitting image of her mom.

Since then, the firsts have included mine & John’s birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine’s, and this week, Easter.  All wonderful days we celebrated together as a family, but it’s different now.

Funny thing about the “firsts” is that it instantly draws you back to the “lasts”.  “Our last anniversary, Carrie was here.”  “My last birthday we celebrated together.”  “The things she did last holiday season made it so special.”  Living in the first, while reflecting on the last – and that’s what makes it so hard.

Now Easter is upon us, and before the weekend even arrives, I’m thinking, “Carrie was here last year.”  “Carrie loved Easter so much because she loved her Lord so much.”  I’m thinking, “Two of the last pictures we took together in this life were at Legacy’s Easter Eggstravaganza and Easter Sunday services.”  So, I continue to gear up for yet another “first”.

And by the grace of God, my family and I will get through it.  We always do.  Because our hope is in Him and in the resurrection we celebrate.

So, what about the “seconds”?  Are they any easier?  I won’t know for several more months when those begin, but I suspect they will be easier.  It comes down to this.  I know the Lord is in control of every aspect of our lives.  None of this caught Him by surprise.  I don’t know why He has chosen to rewrite our story.  I don’t know why He decided to graduate Carrie to Heaven so soon.  But I trust Him!  And I trust His plan for my life, my family, and my church!  He alone is wise, loving, and is holding us up by His limitless power.