Ashamed of My Grief.

There are hazards to every job.  Some are obvious and severe such as the military, police officers, fire fighters, or all other law enforcement and first responders.  Others may be less obvious, but even working a clerical job at a desk all day comes with its hazards – like a staple in the finger or carpal tunnel. My job as a Pastor has its hazards as well.  Ministry is the God & people business and sadly, because many fall victim to various hazards, the average tenure of a man in ministry is surprisingly short.  One such hazard that popped up in my life the last few months is the fear of appearing “weak in faith”.  

You see, in my first post months ago, I pondered the question, “When does grief begin?”  More recently, I’ve been thinking about, “When should grief end?”  And I reasoned through the words of the Apostle Paul when he said, “But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep (died), lest you sorrow as others who have no hope.”  (1 Thessalonians 4:13) Paul is saying that, as Christians, we grieve but we grieve differently because ours is rooted in the promise of eternity!  As I reflected on this passage, and the more than 3 years that have passed since my grief began, I started thinking that “If Christians are supposed to grieve differently, then as a Pastor, that goes double for me!  After all, I’m supposed to ‘lead by example’ and to be ‘strong in the Lord and in the power of His might’” – and I began to think of prolonged grief as weakness in my faith.  

So many times, I fell victim to thoughts and emotions that would seemingly spring from nowhere. My response was to double down, trying extra hard to keep my emotions in check so I would not appear vulnerable to others.  Quite frankly, I became “ashamed of my grief”. 

In addition, when I was in a group of people, I would get feelings that I was being looked at and talked to with pity and I translated pity as weakness as well.  Please understand, I am not saying any of this is true – these are just hazards I’ve had to confront as a grieving Pastor.

So many of you, my wonderful family and friends, don’t pity me – you hurt with me.  You knew and loved Carrie and you miss her too.  So, I know my own insecurity was wrong as was my feelings of being “weak in my faith” on the tougher days.  Both are attacks from the enemy meant to keep me discouraged and questioning God.  But it is not working! 

The good news is, for any of us dealing with grief, there is no set ‘end date’.  God does not say, “Ok, you’re a believer so it’s time you stop grieving and start acting like it.”  No, He is patient, and He walks with us through our pain for as long as it takes.  We do not have to be ashamed of our prolonged grief, but we must always keep it rooted in His eternal promises.

By the way, this year marks 20 years since I have been blessed to be a full-time Pastor – and it’s still the greatest job in the world, hazards and all!

How about you?  Do you have any good advice on how you’ve dealt with your own prolonged grief?  I would love to read about it in the comments if you have time.